there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
