we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
