Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
