Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
