Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
