onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
