I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
