am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize