Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
