This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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