I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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