i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
