oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize