Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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