Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
