I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ladies don't puke and tell
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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