my being single is dangerous.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
