my mouth tastes like poor choices
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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