Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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