I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
