i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize