I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
