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Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
