This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Randomize
