So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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