I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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