I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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