All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The air was thick with penises
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
