its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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