I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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