Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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