I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
