Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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