I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
