I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my sisters under your porch take her home
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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