I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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