i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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