I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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