Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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