Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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