The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
