went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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