I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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