we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
