I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
