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Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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