he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
