i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If I die, sorry about rent.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
