I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
