after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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