Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
