I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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