hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize