someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
