I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
