I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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