I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
