at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
