last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
