I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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