Define "chronic" masturbator.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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