false alarm. still invincible.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
