Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
