Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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