If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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