dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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