the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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