I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
