I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
