Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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