I murdered the dance floor call the cops
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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