I puked a lego.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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